"I have zero hair."

I get it. Athletes are vain. Carlos was clearly balding last time I saw him. He was balding when he was at Duke back in 2001. So 2012 rolls around and the Boozehound looks like he just dunked his head in a can of black paint. This is just absurd. Do you think he asked Brian Scalabrine if it looked good and he was too afraid to say anything?

Best of both worlds?

Seriously, this is the scariest transformation since Slangin Sammy Sosa. The Hall of Fame voters still remember Black Sammy and they know he took steroids.

Go on, go to sleep. White Sammy Sosa will haunt your dreams.